Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
