i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
a search helicopter?!
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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