I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
