i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
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