everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
