It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
