and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
