True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize