Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
