No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
