No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
