So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Randomize
