I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
i believe in u and ur pee
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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