Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
