"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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