So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
my sisters under your porch take her home
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
