I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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