Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
