Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Randomize
