If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
