When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
