Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
She bit a glass in half.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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