Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
