my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
