i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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