He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
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