I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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