My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize