Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
