Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
God, you're like boner-b-gone
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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