What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize