Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
