seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
