Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
And then he peed in my hair
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