saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
