This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
