life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Randomize
