Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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