I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
