Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
And my parents said I crawled through the house
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Sorry about my life...
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
