when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
