So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
