Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
