So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
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