apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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