Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
