I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
