i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Send help, water and tortillas.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
