fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
