How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
