Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
