I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Randomize
