I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
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