So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
