I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize