Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
you never un-have a 4some
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize