"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
