12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
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