the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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