Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Randomize
